Monday, May 20, 2013

Cheap Kalashnikov Rifles WHOLESALE PRICES!!!

Although Kyle is thrilled that we're getting such attention from overseas countries (thanks for the metrics Blogger.com!), I can't help but think it may have to do with something with the title of our most read post containing the phrase "armies for hire."

From now on, for the sake of our metric-fueled egos, we will be catering all of our posts' titles to our global,  warmongering readers.

My Late Rantsby


The thing about being lazy busy and not having time to blog is that you collect a lot of great ideas just to see them fulfilled by more determined not-busy people.

As such, I should’ve written this post BEFORE the new Great Gatsby movie hit the theaters (I like to remind readers that it’s the new film because Robert Redford version release date eked by a slim 39 years before the new Baz Lurhmann version). Regardless, I think I’m Gatsbied out. I think I felt this way before the movie even came out. Hell, I think I felt this way when I had to reread the novel in sophomore year of my undergraduate studies—and I have a degree in English. I’m tired of the fawning hipster masses and their urges to go to upscale vintage boutiques and buy flapper dresses and pipes and Google what’s in an Old Fashioned and throw a 1920s themed parties where maybe 1 in 20 partiers have heard of This Side of Paradise, The Beautiful and the Damned, Tender is the Night, or The Love of the Last Tycoon.

How most people remembered The Great Gatsby before  that guy from that movie about that famous shipwreck made it relevant.

(I’m feeling now that this blog is going to shotgun a handful of gripes I have had lately, so I recommend you stop reading now.)


I don’t know if it’s the familiarity with the obscure (if literature can be obscure in this day) that brings people together to think that they’re all part of a cool group of people who liked or read or saw or heard something before the rest of their friends or society.

I don’t know if it’s the consumer culture of Mad Men and Gilt.com that inspired us to part with our sparse green during a recession that is coming round again like a plague of insatiable locusts now that prospects are looking up.

It’s escapist because even if there is a moral to the book—I mean movie—or a greater meaning, it’s lost in the grandeur of lavish party scenes, indulgent revelers, and a hit playlist. Maybe it’s more than escapist in that it inspires some of us to attempt to live a life we are unable to sustain.

Like that line in the book that I’m sure I’m not remembering correctly because I, like the other 99 percent, haven’t read the book in years, I feel like I’m watching moths drawn to a flame. I guess that makes it sound like I’m judging a lot of people right now… which is good. Because I am. And I will stodgily pelt these passing bandwagons of “culture” with my critical slingshot from the comfort of my own hypocritical and self assuring hidey-hole.

Anyways, I’ll be seeing the movie this weekend with my wife. I’ll let you know how it is.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Time and the Dragonfly


The other day, while sitting wrapped in my own thoughts, their comforting, numbing shroud buffering me from the world, I began to think about time.  Einstein tells us that time is relative, “When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it feels like two hours. But, when you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it feels like two minutes. That's relativity!” He also showed us that the faster an object moves through space, the more slowly it moves through time. An excellent example of this is the phenomenon which happens to the clocks aboard satellites. Because they are moving much faster than the objects they are measuring on earth the clocks lose approximately 7 microseconds per day, but space-time curves less the further one is from a gravity source (especially one as large as our planet), and clocks in areas with less-curved space-time appear to tick faster, so the clocks on satellites are approximately 38 microseconds faster per day than their counterparts on earth. Okay, maybe that was a bad example after all, but the point is, if the curvature of space-time is equal for two objects, the object which moves faster through space moves more slowly through time. Einstein was hella smart.



If Einstein's body was the equivalent of his brain.


As I thought of time, ensconced in my mind, I thought first of the dragonfly.  Fleet, shimmering warrior of the skies, we seem to lumber as he flits by.  The dragonfly is an excellent example of something which must experience time differently than we do. That is, in order to move and act in the way it does, the dragonfly's reaction time and information processing speed must be far greater than ours.  Now, this is a slightly different point than I was making up there on the less sexy side of Einstein.  There I was discussing the interaction of time with physical objects, and now I'm discussing the perception of time by physical objects.  It seems to me that they cannot be the same.  Sure, the dragonfly is very fast (moving at speeds of up to 38 mph), but relative to the speed of light (670,616,629 mph), there is almost no difference between the speed of a dragonfly and the speed of a human.  This means that the movement through time of a dragonfly and a human are nearly equal, even if the dragonfly is moving at top speed, and the human is doing what humans tend to do, sit around and stare into a glowing screen while absentmindedly scratching its butt.  So the physical effect of time on the physical object does not account for the difference in time perception.  

Perhaps you are thinking "Whoa, you haven't established that dragonflies experience time differently than us, if they experience anything at all!" Fine, Jesus Christ, be all picky about it.

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Oh I'm sorry, what was that? Were you taking my name in vain?


First of all, I'm going to establish a philosophical "floor" so that I don't have to argue my way up from epistemology just to write a damn post about dragonflies' time perception.  I'm going to assume that you, like me, think that dragonflies really exist, that we can observe them and know things about them, that they are entirely physical entities in a physical universe, that they experience stimuli, and that seriously shut up so I can write this post.


"I find your lack of faith disturbing"




As you might know, we have something called "reaction time". This is the speed at which we are able to sense, process, and respond to a given stimulus. Usually this term is used to describe the speed of one's reflexes, which are unconscious reactions, such as blinking and/or raising one's hands to shield one's eyes when something quickly approaches one's face. I don't think I need to make an argument for the fact that these types of reactions are generally much quicker than an action which we have to consciously process, so I won't. There is a physical limit to the speed at which neurons can pass along a signal, and the more neurons a signal must pass through the longer the signal will take to reach its destination. One of the reasons that reflex actions take a much shorter time between detection of the stimulus and action is that many times the signals bypass the brain entirely. For example, a study was done in the early, barbarous days of Psychology, back when men were men, women were men, and children were men, in which the scientists severed a dog's spinal column at the neck in order to see if reflex actions depended on the brain. Amazingly, despite the fact that no neural signal could reach the brain from the body, when the dog's foot was pricked with a pin it lifted the foot to avoid the negative stimulus. So, analogously, when you accidentally place your hand on a hot stove and immediately pull it back, you are able to do that with no input from your brain. Only your spinal column is involved, and unless I misremember my psych. education, the signal which causes you to be consciously aware of the fact that the stove is hot arrives after your hand receives the signal to move. This will be a post for another time, but it's interesting to think about what that implies for consciousness and free will.

So I hope to have loosely established so far that reflex actions are faster than conscious decisions because they depend on fewer neural connections, and also that reflex actions are independent from conscious decisions. Now, we already know that simplicity can give rise to complexity, especially in light of chaos theory (read Chaos by James Gleick. Seriously. Do it.) and that there aren't enough neurons in the human brain for each to represent a unique stimulus, concept, function, etc. So the functions which our brains perform seem to rely on there being enough neurons to form complex enough neural networks to handle those functions. This seems to be how our particular brand of consciousness arises. Importantly, these networks seem necessary and sufficient for those functions, so without them the dragonfly does not perform the "higher" functions we do. Now, we clearly are able to perform certain functions that dragonflies cannot (problem solving, tool use, self-recognition, long-term memory, although interestingly they seem to be one of the few other animals which demonstrate selective attention), which implies that we have a much larger set of neurons. We also have much larger bodies, so signals sent to our limbs will take longer.

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Day 3 of "Operation Lift Sandwich to Mouth"




So, given that dragonflies are teeny-tiny compared to us, and since they have far fewer neurons to deal with, it seems reasonable to say that they must be getting input from their senses more quickly and since they literally have less processing capability, the processing they do is faster. If they process stimuli faster, then they can process more stimuli per second. To me, an animal which has evolved those features probably experiences our motions through space as "slow". Our time experience is relative, and seems to depend on how much we are processing at any given time. The more we are dealing with, the faster time seems to go, hence the eternal struggle between wanting to not have work to do, but knowing that if there is work to do the day will go by more quickly. For dragonflies, a day must seem much longer than it does for us. Fortunately for them, we haven't noticed self-reflective capabilities indicative of being capable of boredom.


I'm not exactly sure how this became a post about establishing how a dragonfly experiences time but there you go...Eventually I'll write about what I think time itself is, because honestly that's what this was supposed to be. As it stands, I'll just release this onto the world and I hope you all got some good thinkin' time out of it! Please write in to tell me why I'm wrong/what needs better established/etc.


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Will Kucinski: Man, Myth, Married.

From the land of the upright, thin cylinder his ancestors arrived
Full of tales of their time in the city of the series of battles and serrated wood-cutting tools.
Dressed to the square of threes, looking like the main character from the Jim Adhesive-Synonym movies,
He stood proudly with his horse-handling adult boys to his left, awaiting his new wife.
Then, she appeared, her father at her side, walking with confident, radiant, nervous joy down the small, four-wheeled vehicle kept as a companion.
Her beauty unrivaled, her last name like the negative assertion of the presence of an abbreviated floor-cleaning apparatus.
On that day, with the exchange of the onomatopeaic sound of bells, Will and Casey stepped over a kind of grip associated with a method of separating grain from its stalk, and into a new life together.
If I ever see the expression of an agent's desire to enact a certain change again, I'm sure I will find him a happy man.
Until then, leafy green vegetable related to cabbage wait and hope that someday, somehow, someway, he will rotate a second time to this portmanteau of blow and jog.  And, if indeed he truly exists, he will place upon it a piece of a fence which supports the rails.
To my forest-dwelling ungulate friend, may you have many happy years together, you grasping arm-bound appendage general term for not all but not none devil you!


The beautiful bride with surprise wedding guest Justin Long!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Self-Deprecating Rap

Yo,
Get ready for some beats so sick they make my asthma look tame.
I'm gonna lay waste to your senses like I'm wasting my brain.
If you want me to step up, well I can't cause I'm lame.
If you don't get the picture it's cause my face broke the frame.

My friendships are so non-sexual Plato asks me for advice,
and I get so little pussy I've been overrun with mice.
You know I ain't living large, all I've got's a home-slice,
when bitches sight my site it incites sighs and then invites slights.

Spending money on science like all I've got are carbon credits.
I'm just lookin' to spread it, ain't got no chick who can spend it.
And I'd spread her like butter if my dough was impressive,
but my bread's only crumbs, my cheese is all that is shredded.

Sure I can take a hit and give a shit and roll with the punches,
but my life's a fist-grape fruit basket, the hits come in bunches.
Mostly filler in this killer like I'm made of school lunches.
The peanut-butter jelly sandwiches of black-tie brunches.

If you think that you can follow this I ain't gonna fight you.
My glass-like raps will shatter fast, my lyrics clearly are see-through.
And I'm a giant boring chicken, call me Ennui the Emu.
Shoulda stopped it before it started like T-1000 tried to.



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But it could always be worse...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.


This post is not humorous in any way, but feel free to find it humorous if you like.
My cousin asked me why the universe is here if I didn't believe in the "Big-Bang Big-Crunch" theory of cosmology, so I wrote the following back to him:

I've only been working on my cosmology for a year or so, so bear with me.  It takes a little bit to get going.


I'm partial to a self-invented version of the Chaotic Inflationary hypothesis.  It allows for (or perhaps requires) a multiverse, and works like this:  The universe as we know it consists essentially of information, or, if you prefer, a series of "x is the case" or "x is not the case" bits of information.  Basically binary, relying on what may simply be a brute fact "There is something."  There seems to be no purpose to the universe, and I don't think we have any evidence to assert that there must be a reason for its existence, so we'll have to settle for "It is the case that the universe exists." for now.

In order to have causality, happenings, and time, we need "if-then" states of affairs.  From a relatively homogenous chaos of nonsensical pieces of information, which generate spontaneously (and on this point I may simply need to bite the bullet and say it is a brute fact that nowhere is there true nothingness, but because it is the case that something exists, wherever there might be true nothingness, there is instead some bit of information, which may or may not relate to anything else.)  At some point a piece of information generated which would have contained the statement "if x is the case, then y is the case".  There happened to be at that time a piece of information "if there would otherwise be nothing here, there is x."

Since the state of affairs known as "the universe", which is essentially the set of all states of affairs (think Wittgenstein's "The world is all that is the case."), contained both the information "x is the case" and the information "if x is the case then y is also the case", the universe then also included the information "y".  There could be many bits of information also that said "if x is the case, and y is not the case, then z is the case." In that case, z would never exist in the universe, because x would never occur without y also occurring. To get away from the letters, there may be a piece of information saying "If it is true that there are triangular things, and it is not true that triangular things can only have angles which add up to 180 degrees, then there can be square triangles."  However, we do have a state of affairs in which triangles can only have angles which add up to 180 degrees, so we never have square triangles.

From this generated a set of comprehensive and co-dependent logical laws, though this does not mean that they are the only possible logical laws, and I grant that some other 'verse which has arisen from the chaos may rely on completely different laws.

Those bits of information which best copy themselves, or are frequent byproducts of commonly occurring "if-then" interactions are the bits of information there are the most of.  The Big Bang may be the result of a state of affairs in which the right bit of information was generated (and it may be a very complicated bit..."if a state of affairs in which a, b, c, and d are the case exists, then it will be the case that bits of information with properties p, q, and s will exist." and if a bit existed that said "If there is any bit of information with properties p,q, and s, then for every bit of information with properties p, q, and s, there will be 100 bits of information with property r").  Or, on a different note, "if the universe is such that a bit with property t generated in place x, and property t made that bit change its location properties in order to be nearer or farther from another bit of information with property t, then that bit also acquires the property of "moving at speed m" "moving in direction h" and "being in spatial location___(wherever it is as it moves)".  And hence, Physics!

A quark is one of the smallest, most basic subatomic particles we know of, and it comes in at least 6 "flavors".  Up quarks and down quarks are all that make up protons and neutrons, with 2 up and a down making protons, and 1 up quark and 2 down quarks making neutrons.  Though it may be an oversimplification, let's say that an up quark is a bit of information with the properties "If this bit is within .0002 picometers of a bit of information with properties [whatever makes a down quark a down quark] and another bit with the same properties as itself, that set of properties creates a state of affairs with the properties [whatever makes a proton a proton]. There is fact about the universe, which we call the "strong nuclear force" that says that when objects (I'm going to call the information bits "objects" now because it's more intuitive, but they are still, essentially, collections of properties, or "if-then" information bits) with the properties [protons] and the properties [neutrons] are within a certain distance from each other, they gain a new property, which is "only able to be separated by x amount of energy".  So they stick together and, because one of the properties of protons is having an electrical charge of +1 (or, "if object p has the properties [proton], it will attract all objects with property [attracted by {proton}] and repel all objects with property [repelled by {proton}]") the object created by the sticking together of the protons and neutron will have a positive electrical charge equal to the number of protons the object contains.

This is the root of chemistry. Chemistry is the root of biology. Biology is the root of Neurology. Neurology is the root of Psychology. Psychology allows for Philosophy, and here I am today trying to bore you to death with my Cosmology.

Based on what I've read, the properties of the universe are such that eventually they will either become inert, that is, run out of objects with properties that allow for "work" to be done (energy) as they continue to drift away from each other, or there is some as-yet-unknown property of the universe which, when some state of affairs is reached, will cause something else entirely to happen.  Since we have, and can have, no evidence of this extra property, Occam's Razor tells us to not complicate our theories with extraneous hypotheses which are not required to explain what we observe.


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Um. Ta-da?