Saturday, January 4, 2014

Poem on a whim after an awkward day.

What can I do, who should I be,
all the songs are off-color and the colors off-key.
When the best is given, but it always falls short
because the strategies behind it were developed at four
years old, it doesn't fit.  Life's for masochists
or for those who don't mind that they're living by lists
and just fall into events then imagined they're planned
while I watch them act out like they're all out of sand
in their hourglass, how can I live like I'm free
when I'm conscious of the chains that are strangling me?
And my actions are wrong, I'm a flash then I'm gone,
I'm an actor on acid, gotta head full of gong.
And my perceptions are reality, as much as yours
and the sweat from my stress also comes out of pores
and the things that I want should be just as legit
yet my brain is too busy sifting through all the shit
that I see, flying by, I wanna give you a try
but I see that your mind is distracted and why
shouldn't it be, your colors also also off-key?
Could it be that your analysis is just as deep?
Only better since it doesn't pull you over the rack,
and you succeed at dismissing all extraneous crap?
Well let me tell you something that you won't hear much.
Pat yourself on the back because you're living in touch.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Hocus Locus

Never has there been a man so blessed as he who wanders far,
and makes his mark and throws his legacy upon the stars.
Who worries not and has no needs for fortune has seen fit
to provide for board and friends and food as if by holy writ.

The man who sits upon his ass and fails to make a dent
because his only concerns are having cash and paying rent
is failing to leave a legacy, either rich or poor,
and the only lasting mark on earth made by this shallow boor
will be the pain he caused his mother at his birth
and the relentless way for 70 years he improved his gross net worth.

So too, the man who wanders far, but falls onto bad times,
who struggles hard but vainly 'til the Black Bell sends his chimes.
In us he evokes pity but of course 'twas not his goal,
and only old blind fate decides that he should take the fall.
No matter meek or mighty, men are subject to the clockery
which locks and ticks and tocks and clicks, makes free will into mockery.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Snack attack

I walked into the restroom at work today only to behold this supernatant image.

While I was unable unwilling to determine if the bag was empty or full gelatinous contents or member to a grey area of partially consumed, the following questions immediately came to mind.

Who would throw trash in a toilet when there is an empty waste bin two feet away?
Who takes food into a public restroom?
Who eats food in a public restroom?
Why would somebody throw away an entire bag of gummy snacks?
What was somebody doing in which they placed the gummy snacks on their lap and then couldn't catch them as they accidentally slipped into the toilet?

Why did I feel that this was a good reason to use a camera in a bathroom?

Saturday, August 3, 2013

The prettiest girl

Actual conversation between me and the wife:

(driving home from buying groceries, and passing Wild Billy's Bar and Grill, the trashy neighborhood sports bar)

Wife: I think I want to go to Wild Bill's Bar sometime.

Me: You mean Wild Billy's Bar and Grill?

Wife: Yeah, whatever it is.

Me: Why?

Wife: Because I want to be the prettiest girl in there.

Me: What?

Wife: Girls like going to places where they're the prettiest girl there.

Me: Oh.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Mini Moral Stories By My Inner 10 Year-Old, Episode 2

The Little Boy Who Tried To Be Balanced

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a little boy, his siblings, and his parents.  They were not obscenely rich, but they were certainly not in want.  The little boy's parents were generous, but practical, and taught him to work for what he wanted, though he was never in need.

Once the little boy began to go to public school, he was not the popular kid, but he had plenty of friends, and good friends at that.  They always had fun, and rarely got into trouble.  Any trouble they did get into was harmless and, as that word implies, they never harmed anyone with their hijinks and shenanigans.  The little boy's parents knew this, and liked his friends.

The little boy's parents believed strongly in being the kind of person who possessed a certain quality which they called "balance".  When the little boy ate, they told him to be balanced, so he ate some vegetables with his burger.  When he played outside with his siblings, they told him to be balanced, so he played "cops and robbers" with his brother, and "tea party" with his sister.  Then he balanced his playing outside with reading, and his reading was balanced between science, history, and more fantastic tales of talking animals and far-off lands.  He saw value in the idea of balance, and he strove for it.

One day the little boy spent the night at a friends house.  He had a lot of fun playing video games, learning songs, and discussing which girls at school were cute (though obviously they were still filled with cooties).  The next day, another of his friends called, and wanted to know if we would go see a movie with them.  The little boy had done his chores for the day, he had read and played outside, and he was feeling quite balanced.  But when he asked his parents for permission to go, they said no!  Confused, the little boy asked why, "why can't I go? I have finished my chores, and I have nothing else to do tonight!"  "You went out last night." They said to him, "You need to strike a balance, you can't go out every night."

The little boy was confused.  He sat in his room that night and tried to read but was distracted.  His parents' reasoning seemed faulty, but he just wasn't sure how, and the thoughts of how much he wanted to see the movie were distracting him.  He thought about what it meant to be balanced.  Did it mean preventing yourself from taking opportunities, simply because you had had similar opportunities recently?  That was the only thing he could take away from the event.  He did want to be balanced though, so he decided that that was what he must do.

He began taking only every other opportunity to see his friends.  He sat with them at lunch less often (though he wasn't quite able to stay away as often as it seemed he should), played with them at recess less often, and sat next to them in class less often.  Soon it became easier, because they sought him out less, played with him less, sat next to him less.  But rather than settling on a balance, the trend continued!  When his friends stopped trying to see him at all, the little boy reached out to them more, but he found that if he reached out to them, and they reciprocated, he would have to turn them down, and they stopped accepting his invitations.

He still tried to make friends, but none stuck around for long with someone who seemed so aloof and calculated.  By the time he reached college age, he had no friends at all, and was continually "off-balance" because of it.  One day, while walking idly on a curb, he lost his balance for the last time, fell into traffic, and never had to worry about friends ever again.

Sometimes it's okay to not be balanced, as long as you fall on the right side of the curb.

It's a goddamn shame...

I'm sure you're all aware of the recent hacking of Attention Boors this past month. They deleted our most recent and most thought provoking of posts, not to mention they released all of my nude photos to the public.  For my own sake, I'll not reveal their location to you, but if it's any consolation to you they were entirely depraved.